Space Felisha

fleahead @ 2009-12-25T23:58:00

2009-12-26T05:01:36Z

in the morning you'll be referring to me as the champagne supernova. my magic is gonna hurt your soul. not allowed to do anything sends me into a spiral of devilment, handling my business in friends of friends bathrooms. dark, grimy, too-familiar bathrooms. i let myself be dominated by people who won't ever hear from me again once i get the first chance out of here, and not by the ones who deserve a say-so in my foolish way of things. what's wrong with me? i'm a bunnyheaded warrior, a dream architect, a brave love genius, but above all: an infatuation queen. misunderstood one, taking the less traveled path; choosing joy, making magic & devoting my life to love, adventure & deliciousness.

fleahead @ 2009-12-13T20:34:00

2009-12-14T01:34:33Z

"One should always be drunk. That’s the one thing that matters. In order not to feel the horrible burden of Time, which breaks your shoulders and crushes you to the ground, one should be drunk without ceasing. But on what? On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as suits you. But get drunk…."
— Baudelaire

I'm unbelievably stressed out about my final grades in all of my classes... go figure. This semester was pretty much a joke, or maybe it's my life that's the joke. Kyle brought me roses, a chocolate-chip cookie dough milkshake and took my overdue books back to the library. My mind is a new and interesting place, I'm numb to everyone and everything. I don't mind it as long as everyone keeps smiling.

fleahead @ 2009-12-03T19:56:00

2009-12-04T00:51:34Z

I can't explain what's going on. The majority of my time is spent in the presence of my dearest friends, who basically are coming to a quick end. I'm ridiculously happy yet the moment I'm left alone I'm brought to tears.

perfect trip

2009-11-25T16:37:43Z

The terrible decision to put out our campfire before we went into the woods, walking down to the lake with the GPS in hand, seeing deer and deciding to follow them, the redneck campers pointing the way passed their campfire and into the woods, "oh my god, we're so close. I thought we were on a cliff", Kyle bouncing on a broken tree trunk, packing goldfish into Jessica's bookbag, letting them free in the water, Eli losing the light-up eyeball, "there are 400 hundred stars!" "No actually there are millions", laughing harder than I ever have, putting on my gloves but not actually being able to, walking back to camp when it all kicked in, seeing the redneck campers again and asking how they are tonight, "not as good as ya'll are", seeing the stars out in the open, "I can't believe our camp is this close to the road!", laying on the mattress and all seeing a shooting star at once, climbing in and out of the cars, an unanimous vote to listen to "My Girls", sitting in the same backseat with Jessica because we thought a pile of clothes was another person, the eyeballs, changing the language on the GPS and dying to touch the favorites button, venturing to the bathroom, Eli telling us to look at the floor, Kyle flushing the toilet because it sounded like a monster, Josh panicking because we were all in the women's bathroom so we went to the men's, Eli pointing out the floor was the same but just as cool, Kyle flushed another toilet, a park ranger came in and we booked it out back to our camp, I yelled at Josh for the rest of the night, "do you remember when we went to the lake?", Maggie singing the Oscar Mayer Wiener song with me, THE EARS ALL NIGHT LONG, using the secret, everyone being on different levels, not being cold until someone told me it was cold, never getting a fire back, eating the spilled soggy goldfish off the table, Jessica eating a banana peel, thinking the tent was so big, all of us having different conversations at once but I could only hear the one I was in, realizing the tent was tiny when the sun came up, shivering it was so cold, Eli never responding, Jessica taking two more hits, really bonding with her, every once in a while someone would wander off, Maggie taking care of us all, Nick in daddy mode, making videos with no picture, deciding that cigarettes are really babies because they're so small and talking complete and total nonsense. I love my life.

fleahead @ 2009-11-21T14:06:00

2009-11-21T19:06:22Z

Bonfire last night was exceptional. I got to see TAYLOR JONES and her loverboy for the first time in agesss! I got to sleep in Kyle's bedroom at his parents house, eat bagels with his dad and my very best friends in the morning, and have my very first conversation with his mother while drunk. Ye!

Tonight: Camping in the freezing cold at the river/another fire/LSD trip. Sweet.

fleahead @ 2009-11-19T02:54:00

2009-11-19T07:54:34Z

Someone come take care of me. Pay my rent and plug my ears and tell me when it's time to say no. I'm the most caring individual you know, I promise. But every day I leave for class I lock the door behind me, I can't let you in. It's a strange crazy ballgame, people. I have made a wishlist for the upcoming holidays that includes: throw pillows, a baking cookbook, curtain rods, riding boots, a faux fur coat, devendra banhart, a giraffe tattoo, money, a biggie t-shirt and kitten heels. This weekend I'm going to lose my mind entirely, with whatever it takes, because it's the insane house mate's joint birthday celebration. I'm still undecided on if this contentness is worth the rush of emotion I once had. I don't stay up all night anymore wishing for bike tires on my sidewalk, but instead I now have someone to always have my back when I need it. You know we're waiting for something special? With candles and slow music, I'm not completely sold on the idea of it actually happening. I know what it's like to feel loved, as well as untrusted. Right now I'm downright grimey. In all honestly, I'm just enjoying myself while I can. This is my very first year at college, I have my own apartment, my friends are the best people in the entire world, I'm so young and smart and somewhat beautiful, I have no choice but to take in this moment to realize how goddamn lucky I am. I'm so lucky to have made it out in time. So lucky to have legs that walk and a voice that talks and eyes that see and ears that hear and a brain that thinks. Every day I wake up and thank the universe for how amazing it's been to me, for all of these chances everyday to make my life, as well as others, more special. I make sure to always give bums change and listen to peoples words for as long as I can, uninterrupted, and smile. I don't have a pretty smile, but I do as big and bright and sincere as I can. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, but I am my own person and I am the most important person in my life, therefore I come first. Not a bitch move, a smart one. Good advice for everyone:

Whatever you want to do, do it now. For life is time and time is all there is.

fleahead @ 2009-11-18T21:33:00

2009-11-19T02:33:53Z

My life as of late:

Left Wednesday night at 6pm for GMU, stayed the night at a frat (lame), left the next morning at 8am and made it back to RVA for my 11am class the next day. Win! I'm young, I'm avoiding, I'm enjoying this time in my life while I can. Also: A major picture dump/real entry is coming soon.

fleahead @ 2009-11-16T12:35:00

2009-11-16T17:35:34Z

To begin with, I have made entirely too many mistakes in the last 24 hours. I am an idiot and I give in too easily and basically I just need to be slapped in the face. By Friday I'll be back on track, have a game plan, and make those close to me proud. I haven't been thinking clearly enough and it's really effecting everyone I know, especially those who's numbers I've somehow acquired. My "feeling sorry for myself" texting is just getting ridiculous. All in all, I guess I'm just trying to say I'm starting over........ now

Well, whatdoyaknow! I'm back to my old self again.

2009-11-09T21:21:46Z

- I've decided that every Monday or Wednesday when my math class is expecting a test, I am going to wear a new dress. I will inevitably fail, this is certain. But when I'm walking to the bus stop in pretty clothing, jingling my bracelets, and checking my eye liner in my favorite compact, it all seems a little better.

- Halloween was not what was expected, spent it in Danville with my most special friends. Needless to say, Operation rekindle: Complete.

- I don't know what to say about Starcrunch, he's coming back to RVA within the next week or so and I'm completely un-open to the idea of making things work again. Without a doubt my missing piece, and I know that comes with a price... I'm just not emotionally ready for that right now. This past month has been a tough one. I don't expect life to let up.

- Jobless and broke, full of hope.

- I'm becoming more and more myself everyday. I rarely have time to read or write anymore. My library fines list is getting pretty ridiculous!

fleahead @ 2009-10-30T01:45:00

2009-10-30T05:49:03Z

ain't got no time for a mooch, but god knows i wish i did. taking the crew back to danville tomorrow. i suppose it's time to show off the trophy? grandmama is going to be proud..............

fleahead @ 2009-10-26T14:49:00

2009-10-26T19:13:03Z

BELLATRIX

i am officially completely and totally alone, for the millionth time in my life (because i only choose the crappiest of people to be in it) and for a tiny little while i was scared, but to be honest, i'm more than excited right now. bring it on, life! i am all i've ever needed anyway.

guess i better start that novel

2009-10-13T03:44:54Z

i have never in my entire 19 years known what it is like to miss someone like this. despite using the secret, he wanted to leave and i let him. i told him to. a month at the least he'll be in florida sleeping on the beach and rebuilding a friend's sailboat. we were supposed to go to d.c. this weekend but everyone knows the minute i look forward to something it all backfires. i just want to take a minute to feel completely and utterly sorry for myself, thanks

fleahead @ 2009-10-10T21:35:00

2009-10-11T01:50:58Z

bags packed, hours from hopping a train to florida, and he decides to stay. i could write a novel

fleahead @ 2009-10-04T22:16:00

2009-10-05T02:20:25Z

romantic candle lit dinners to the beats of Biggie Smalls: obviously found the soul-mate

fleahead @ 2009-10-02T16:23:00

2009-10-02T20:29:35Z

BOYFRIEND comes home today (hopefully) and I am so very very very excited!

fleahead @ 2009-09-30T02:57:00

2009-09-30T07:10:02Z

I am so constantly annoyed with you it's ridiculous how I still agree to hang out. Drugs are fun, yeah, I know. When you take them you don't need to act like a complete idiot though. Just chill out for once. Stop drinking one beer and then acting like you're wasted. I would love for you not to be friends with my friends so I could go back to just hating you from afar.

I think about you everyday and I'm so sorry for everything that has went on. I wasn't trying to lead you on. I was completely and totally open (and vocal) about my lifestyle and I thought you understood. You are such an important person in my life, even if we barely know each other. I think you're so interesting. It's times like what happened recently that I just want to steal you away and go sit on the Lee monument and listen to what goes on with you until my head explodes. I had no idea this was hurting you, and I have every intention on making it up to you as soon as I can.

You are my missing piece. I say this because of the book. Because you are the only person I've ever fit with and if you want to leave for something better, I'll let you go and I will understand. I know we are meant to be together, that you'll come back. You knew what you wanted from the beginning, and I desperately tried to deny those feelings. I'm sorry for that. I just wasn't ready for you. I wasn't ready for all of these crazy extreme emotions both of us are throwing around. I wasn't ready to fall in love again, so quickly, with someone I had just met. I love everything about you. You always know how to make me nervous.

You are seriously the creepiest person I know. However, I've learned to appreciate it. I wish I could give you all the love I have for you and not be constantly disappointed. I was so happy to have someone in Richmond who cared so much for me, then you let me down continuously. I still care about you tremendously, but I hesitate putting all of my trust into you like before.

You are the most caring individual I know. I stress individual because I have never come across someone like you. The world could without a doubt use more humans like yourself. Every girl deserves to have one of you in her life, to gossip with, to give hugs to, to get advice from. I'm so glad we finally became a part of each other's lives, it's fate you know? This stage is a scary one, for everyone our age, and I don't think I could make it without you. I'm always here to support you with whatever you do and I'll always be giving out the tum rubs when needed. I love you, truly. I knew this was perfect before it even started.

You are so insanely depressing I can barely speak to you anymore. I try to avoid any serious topics because we always argue or you have to say something negative. I can't give you any advice other than to stop being so afraid of everything and move on. Life isn't slowing down, you can't expect it or anyone to for you. Take some chances, live a little.

I adore you. I think you are seriously one of the most interesting girls I know, and basically one of the only I like spending time around. I can't say I know you well, but some of the things we've shared have been pretty personal. I think what you're doing is great, I am in full support of you at all times. I definitely want to spend more time together soon.

Spending time around you was a serious buzz kill. You reminded me of how low my standards were for people when I lived in Danville. I really can't believe I thought you were in any way cool or exciting or interesting. You are definitely a huge loser (and always have been) and need to move out into the wilderness and become a hermit. No one wants to hear about how much you hate this city (because you don't have to be in it) or how lame the people are (you don't give anyone a chance.) There is a reason you don't have any friends, and that's because you're a dumb, ugly, creepy, snob.

I miss the times where all we had to worry about is if we were going to be ugly forever. I miss having to hide our hairy legs from everyone because we weren't ready to shave yet. I miss spending time with you but you are always too busy with him. I know you're happy, so I don't complain. I just wish we were the same little girls we used to be and not who we are now.

There are no words to describe how thankful I am to have had you in my life. I'm so lucky to be able to say you were my very first love. Whether or not I consider what we had love now, I felt it then and it was all I needed. You really held me together those 2 years. Without you I don't know how I could have made it. We were a disaster waiting to happen. We're complete and total opposites and I would never get myself into the mess we had going on again. However, I miss you a lot and I'm so glad we're still friends. I hope to see you really soon and eat some delicious stromboli and visit your adorable parents!.

fleahead @ 2009-09-28T16:47:00

2009-09-28T20:51:35Z

a garden
children with flower names
never growing up
treehouse
san fran
giving your whole to someone and not being afraid because if it still isn't enough, it's undoubtedly worth the feelings you have right now
hotel rooms
the proper chemicals
other languages
sugar
fruit
champagne & finding new things to mix it with
fear-less
blossoms in jars
breakfast
a pillow fort
toads
honeybees
coyotes
feather collections
milkshakes
grease (the movie!)
cupcakes
baking
"good morning" phone calls
Elliott Smith
nude
reunions
train rides
books
your boyfriend's sweaters
magicians
best friends of the opposite sex
france
hot air balloons
croissants
wine

fleahead @ 2009-09-26T20:31:00

2009-09-27T00:37:50Z

the boy leaves me for the sea and tells me to stay in the bedroom until he returns, a return date hasn't been set so here i am.. waiting.. always

fleahead @ 2009-09-24T00:26:00

2009-09-24T04:26:45Z

everyone knows there's no reasoning with addicts.

fleahead @ 2009-09-21T22:35:00

2009-09-22T02:39:10Z

Things I want to do;

- be able to own & support a puppy or kitten
- get my hair cut shorter
- explore Maymont
- go on more bike rides
- obtain A's
- sublease my room and find a new apartment
- drink less beer (or more)
- spend more time with best friends
- buy new underwear and actually get to wear them
- finish reading On The Road, The Subterraneans, & The Dharma Bums
- start taking life more seriously (or less)
- buy more pillows
- get a JOB
- call my parents more
- get rid of my softspot for ruckus
- start dressing more girly (maybe a couple more dresses would do?)
- save up enough money for a vacation

+ more to be added soon

fleahead @ 2009-09-20T22:17:00

2009-09-21T02:29:21Z

Everyday I'm amazed that there's a world outside of this bedroom. This treehouse, I can't believe there are stairs outside of the door and rooms under it and grass and pavement outside. Oh my god, I have friends? What about Joshua? It all hits me when I think of Joshua and I remember I have to be as good to him as I can be and the others who mean so, so, so, much to me. I can't believe I got this lucky to have people like him in my life. I spend my days in a treehouse pretending only Jefferson and I exist and by night-time I'm giggling and eating pizza with some of the best humans I've ever met. I'm sick as a dawg but I couldn't feel any happier.

fleahead @ 2009-09-16T12:50:00

2009-09-16T17:03:36Z

From two blocks away and my poor eyesight I could see your yard packed with desperate hipsters wanting attention. There were photographers and beer and your front porch was packed with a bunch of losers wearing ironic clothing and big glasses and messy hair, all posing with bored expressions because they wanted to be in some dumb magazine. Not a single one of them had even stepped foot in your house but for whatever reason they'd found their way to it, acting like the couch was their own. I just wanted to eat our dinner and go upstairs to bed, I didn't want all of that mess. I'm tired of slamming doors and being, literally, pushed around. This is all just so ridiculous and frustrating. We're fighting fate and something's got to change - soon. I'm about to have a breakdown.

fleahead @ 2009-09-15T15:32:00

2009-09-15T20:06:55Z

At midnight on Friday, I went to Penny Lane Pub with the Red Love crew. I was pretty excited I got to drink my first ever beer in a bar on my 19th birthday. Saturday we had a party at the JZA house, which was alright. I think it could have been better if it was an actual birthday party and not a JZA party. Whatevs, here are some pictures:

Maggie looked like this all night.

Chris Key - A party animal

Kyle and I went to Verry Berry a couple weeks ago! It was awesomeeee.

Baxter the dog

Favorite picture of the night!

OUR HERO!

Also: Set thangs right with everyone last night. The triangle has now been broken and I'm officially somebody's lady.

fleahead @ 2009-09-10T22:00:00

2009-09-11T02:19:03Z

I'm not entirely sure how anyone feels right now. I'm not sure how I feel. I just know that I've been doing what feels right for some time now, and as much as I'm preached to about how that's how you're supposed to be living, and how much I love living this way, it's so much more complicated than that. I've somehow managed to make people care about me more that I intended to and some are warning me and I'm freaking out. I just keep thinking "how do I explain this to the ruckus" and every time I come up blank. I don't know what to do, I'm almost hoping what I'm taking as "caring" is just really "I want to bring you around to parties and kiss." I'm just playing it by ear, or heart, mostly impulse. I want to fast-forward the next eight months. I want to move on with my life, I am so sick of this mess.

fleahead @ 2009-09-06T18:19:00

2009-09-07T00:46:27Z

Things I thought about on the car ride to Danville:

I still don't think it's very cool for girls to own/drive motorcycles.

Boys who are comfortable enough with their sexuality to cuddle with other boys.

Is it sad that old budweiser ads remind me of my childhood so strongly?

Augusta?

I had a dream I was wearing bright red lipstick. I'm taking it as a sign.

I want a wrist watch that, instead of telling time, has a little speedometer that is always at or above 60.

My mother and her husband are so in love. He still opens the car door for her.

I have an ex boyfriend who looks like James Dean.

"I got new shoes. Not the one's I'm wearing, these are my dad's. They have a little mohawk."
Going home means I'm fed dinner for free.
I need to be nicer to my grandma but she drives me insane.
One of my very favorite things is being the birthday girl.